by Kim McGinnis
I was a shy little kid—actually I was more than shy. I was introverted to the point where if someone spoke directly to me, my body would tense up like a surf board, and my heart would send Morse code through my chest: “SOS”. My mind had its own agenda, rattling off messages to the tune of, “Whatever you do, do not say that, because you will look like more of an idiot than you do already.” So I did nothing. I remember these distressing occurrences more in Junior High when kids are especially not so nice.

Besides the whole shy thing, I was a big girl (I hate the word “fat”) during these difficult years. Packing on an extra 65 pounds left me even more vulnerable to the caustic remarks of my peers. (“Poor me!”) As a way to keep others from “getting” to me, I adopted a stance of superiority. Since, I had not allowed myself to communicate with them, I had built for myself, a comfy fortress of self-righteousness. The ego has gotten a bad rap from psychologists and metaphysicians, but it sure did save me at the time. Beliefs had built up in my consciousness about others and me that had caused a transformation in the way I interacted as a human being.

After a search of definitions for transformation on the website, I discovered many of them to be on the biological side of this question. A common definition goes something like this: “when a healthy cell goes through the process of becoming a malignant cell, a transformation has taken place.” Looked at this way, I suppose one could also claim transformation takes place when the cancerous cell goes through the steps to become a healthy cell. In other words, a person (or cell) once transformed, becomes something else.

Separatism had taken hold of me by the time I reached my first year of High School, and I did feel like a different person. My ego had become my friend, and I fed it on purpose. The journey to peel away my protective layers would take more years than it had taken to grow in the first place. Protection, took the form the isolation. Dualism became a natural, if unconscious, way of living. I didn’t like or trust people very much. I was right, and they were wrong.

Seeking solace in self-destructive habits seemed a good place to go from here. And so I did. Without dragging Pandora’s Box out of the closet (way too heavy), let’s just say I had pushed the brink of what I had found bearable. So, like trying to climb a one thousand-foot stepladder with a wounded soul-body, a heavy heart, and a BIG head, I slowly made my ascent. Now this wasn’t a twelve-step program, just so you don’t get the wrong idea—not that I have anything against these programs (I know they have helped many, many people)—it just wasn’t my bag.

Each step became a moment in time when I let go of my ego, gave myself a pat on the back, and silently whispered a kind word to myself. I also never forgot to say, “Thank you.” On a bad day I would slip a couple of rungs, but it became easier to keep climbing once I had a recent memory of a win. The mixture of strength and vulnerability was the new sensation I was hungry for (better than a bag of Doritos). It became not only an acceptable addiction, but also a healthy one.

I am still climbing this ladder today, and I’m not even sure how high I am. With each step I try not to look back or up ahead; being present leaves me with a feeling of calm that serves me well. I’ve accepted that I may not even reach the top (enlightenment?). Now when I slip back a rung or two (happens all the time), I don’t beat myself up. Replacing gratitude with judgment has made this journey much more pleasant. Life has become different than what I thought it was—creative and fun. My body feels lighter (about 125 pounds these days), my head has become more proportional to the rest of me, and the view is spectacular.

Copyright 2007, Avenstar Enterprises, Inc–Our Inner Source

Kim McGinnis is a freelance writer and entrepreneur. Her most recent venture is an inspirational website, Our Inner Source. This site was created to help people gain access to their inner power. To find out more about Our Inner Source, go to http://www.ourinnersource.com

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