by Robert Pardon
Alcoholics and drug addicts know despair like few others do. When we are in the middle of our disease there is not one aspect of our life that is not despairing. We are some of the most hopeless people alive.

I remember from early on in life that something didn’t feel right. As dysfunctional as my family was I knew my mom and dad loved me so my despair came from somewhere else. I found myself, as early as five and six years old feeling that I didn’t fit in and how much it hurt just being me.

My father used to always say that God is love and I know now that he was right, but it only confused me back then. If God is love and He loves me then why do I feel this deep despair and loneliness? At the time, I had 3 older and 2 younger siblings (that would later grow by 1) and yet I could not shake this feeling of despair that I just didn’t fit.

As time would go on I became very active in my neighborhood and I had plenty of friends and even played on sports teams down at the park and in school. Yet, I learned that one could not mistake activity for happiness. No matter how good or how bad my day was the result was the same. I would lie in bed before I went to sleep and wonder if life was so good then why did it hurt so much being me. My despair would grow as I did.

Then along came alcohol and then drugs and the despair seemed to go away. It seemed if I could do a little this and a little of that I could find the right measure to make the despair go away and believe that it was perfectly okay right where I was at. But, of course, that didn’t last very long. By the time I was 18 my usage became daily and by the time I was 25 I was a chronic alcoholic and daily drug user. Despair, once again became the order of the day.

That is no longer the case because I was lucky to stay alive long enough and my despair drove me to Alcoholics Anonymous and my life has never been the same. I found out the despair I was feeling was common amongst people like me and they seemed to find a way to overcome the despair without drinking or using and matter of fact these were the most fulfilled and happy I ever met.

They had found a reason to live and be grateful for who and what they were. They were grateful that their addiction didn’t kill them. They were happy, get this, for every bad thing that got them to AA. They said it takes what it takes to get where they were and they were grateful that the doors of AA were open when they arrived.

I thought WOW! This was so simple to be grateful for something so important, yet so simple. I began to view life a little differently. Instead of thinking of myself as alone filled with despair I began to look outside myself and see life for what it is. Granted, life it always fair and it is true sometimes bad things happen to good people, but there are many things for each of us to be grateful. Our obligation to our self is to find what they are.

Today my despair has been replaced by a deep sense of gratitude for everything around me. I am even excited when I go to turn on the hot water and it is hot. It can be that simple. Going from despair to gratitude is a choice and the choice always has been and always will be yours. Surround yourself with others who seek to be grateful, just as you are seeking and if you honestly seek you shall surely find.

Robert Pardon is founder of becomingwellnow.com, a website that offers recovery information and solutions for those who suffer from alcohol and drug addiction.

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