by Eve Eschner Hogan
Have you ever noticed that we tend to choose our partners by looks good or feels good only to wake up in the midst of relationships that really are not good?! One of the biggest mistakes we make at the beginning of a relationship is not asking enough questions. We tend to ask more questions about a car we are buying than about a lover, potential life mate or parent to our children.

Can you imagine buying a house because it looks good and feels good without examining the costs, the condition of the property, serious damage, needed repairs, your readiness to move, your commitment to the payments, the readiness of the previous owner to sell, what the neighbors are like, and on and on? Yet that is exactly what we do in relationships.

We base our choices solely on physical attraction and emotional desire, and then can not understand why our relationships don not work. When taking on any other endeavor, a business relationship, buying a house or appliances, we wisely ask a number of questions to ensure making the right choice.

Times have changed in the realm of relationships, and these changes require a new, more conscious approach toward choosing a partner. By practicing the stimulating art of asking questions AKA practicing intellectual foreplay, you can turn this process around, establish an intimate relationship with a potential partner or recognize a no win situation before the relationship goes any further.

Here are a few Intellectual Foreplay guidelines to get you started.
1) Make a list of what you think you should ask someone before you get seriously involved. Identify what is important to you, your non-negotiable list and start your exploration there. For example, if you require someone to be a certain religion in order to be a serious candidate for a life mate, begin a discussion on religion. If you require someone who likes the same sports or entertainment as you, ask your potential partner questions about how they spend their time and their willingness to participate.

2) Keep it light for starters, or you will scare people away. Asking questions can open the door to hours of lively discussion and discovery; however, not if your partner feels interrogated. Intellectual Foreplay is not an interview or intensive exam; it is about the process of getting to know each other. When you bring up a question you want to discuss, answer it yourself before expecting your partner to answer. By doing this, you avoid the feeling of interrogation by modeling your own willingness to share.

3) Remember there are no right or wrong answers. Intellectual Foreplay is not about finding out what is wrong with the other person; it is about finding out who is the other person. While their answers may not be right for you, it does not mean that their answers are wrong for them. Watch for indications of compatibility or a lack thereof, keeping your non-negotiable list in mind.

4) Pay attention to how your partner answers and to what either of you do not want to discuss. Nine times out of ten when a relationship is breaking up, we can remember back to the beginning when our partner either told us or showed us exactly what the problems would be in the relationship. Everything is information. What you see and hear, is usually what you get!

5) Trust your gut instincts. If that little voice in your head is flashing the warning lights even if your partner is saying all the right things, pay attention. If you know in your gut that your partner is the one for you, no matter what, trust your intuition.

6) Just as important as making the right choice in a partner is being the right choice as a partner. Pay attention to your own answers to the questions, as well. It may be that you are not the best candidate as a partner for them. It is a wise person who knows when the shoe does not fit.

7) Take action on what you discover. What you find out about yourself and a partner is only valuable if you are willing to act on it. If you discover that this is the person for you, proceed. If you discover that they are not, stop. Simple as that. Take responsibility for your choices and your actions.

While asking too many questions may stop you from being together, asking too few will clearly result in a break up. A little intellectual foreplay can lead to a much more satisfying relationship.

Eve Eschner Hogan is a relationship expert, coach, wedding officiant on Maui and author of Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, How to Love Your Marriage, and Way of the Winding Path. Find out how she can help you create healthy relationships: www.EveHogan.com

Article Source: PLJMagazine.com